L'etoile

How will you ever understand? That pain in my heart, that insecurity, that fear? When nothing I knew requires me to hold on to myself only. Without that grip, I could never know if I fall will anyone would be there. How could you even understand, when you set me free with just one decision, one minute of thought, one time, one word -- yes, I set you free. I understand it is only fair to you and me, that fairness we can never exchange nor can we ever buy.. That kind of trust you dream of, which I cannot follow and it's just too big a shoe to fill. I am scared, my form is shaking, my soul is fading, my screen is spliting. How could you ever understand?

I am taking some time off work, and slowly looking through the smiles on the faces of people around me. As I flip from back to front, I realized the weight in my heart continue weighing me down. At the same time, I thought to myself, "why didn't I ever had such memories?" That one valuable thing I don't have, and that one thing I don't know how to acquire, leaves me depressed and alone.

I woke up this morning, feeling somewhat void. Maybe it is just the medication, or maybe it is just the silence. I cannot remember how soon it happened, and why am I feeling so dull and distasteful.  It's like losing a relationship which meant something to you, something you cannot replace. To him who might not see the same and to him who might never see it the same, I thought my heart was prepared to face all the odd obstacles it may bring to me. Sadly, no.

It's another day like this, everything seem like things you could only do on your own. You don't have to look behind you nor beside you because no one will be there. Funny as it is, my vision narrowed, darkened. Only to realize from my sleep it is really very dark here.

I believe we've had this conversation before. Too many conversations like this, and I am just not going to talk about it anymore. I can let you go, I can't keep you I'd rather let you go. Remember us back when the trust was so strong, the familiarity, the yearning, and the contentment I've felt -- just memories which hurts me whenever I try to play them back. I have no idea how long this will last, how long it will take me, take us to feel the same thing again, for us to be like us again. But one thing's for sure, it aren't going to be so soon. 

I glance at the key back and forth, reminiscing the world created by me.

I aren't sure, lately I have been feeling how much I am behind "time", and the fearsome thing is, no one seem to feel this way as much as I could. After two major fit in a row, I snapped right awake. I tell myself at that point of time inbetween the silence -- stop going the extra mile.

I called up Sonni, gave up what I wanted to do initially. Went back to threading water, went back to drawing. Then, I got a tablet suddenly. Mon, Tues, Wednesday - Drawing day. Thurs, Fri, Sat - Piano Day. All of these days, traveling time - continuing my story. Before I sleep - Psp time. So many things to do, and so little time.